Confessional #2

I had promised a confessional/thought of the day blog post when I started and I have yet to have another one until now. These are just my thoughts for the day.

The biggest battle with bipolar disorder that I face on a daily basis is the shame and the guilt, the aftermath of an up or down, more so than the actual mood swings. In the midst of a mood swing, I have no idea I’m on that bumpy ship ride, tidal waves and storms surrounding me.

Once the waters have calmed, everything I did or said hits me full force in the face. Reality becomes my focus.

It’s taken years to come to this certain epiphany, and even so, I still have troubles centering myself.

The epiphany being: What another thinks of me does not matter. Another’s opinion of me, is not important. If they hate me because of my beliefs, due to my attitude, or because of my mental health issues, it does not matter.

At the end of the day, the only person whose opinion matters is my own. I know I can be mouthy, I know I have mood swings, and I’m my biggest critic. I always have been. There’s nothing another can say about me or think about me that I haven’t thought about myself before that tiny thought bubbled even began to form in their head.

My intentions have often been good.

I can apologize for my wrongdoings, for my perceptual instability, until my throat is dry and cracked. I can plead for forgiveness until my knees are weak from kneeling. I have cried for months over lost friendships, relationships. Some of the fault of is my own, some of the fault on others. I can grieve and I can shame myself, but I choose not to anymore.

If someone has no interest in hearing me, the effort isn’t going to make a difference.

So I keep my chin up and try to better myself and strive for excellence. I hope all my comrades, friends, are doing likewise. I don’t care if someone is looking down on you for the way you dress, for the way you look, for your beliefs, whatever the reason.

Loving yourself is the hardest thing to do but the most detrimental thing to do if you wish to survive this crazy world. So love yourself and forget everyone else.

 

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