There’s always been this fear of failure that’s hung over me most of my life. Or has it been a fear of success? The only thing I’m sure of is that something is holding me back.
It paralyzes me. A bowling ball is dropped on my chest and the room starts to shrink. It makes it difficult to breathe and difficult to sleep. My dreams have turned into scary renditions of every awful decision I’ve ever made.
My heart aches. This is different than my manic depression where I fly into fits of rage followed by crying until there’s no possibility of any more tears escaping. This is so much different.
I can hardly motivate myself to roll out of my bed. I sit on my bed, legs crossed, eyes glued to my laptop screen, simultaneously watching Netflix with a blank page in front of me wondering where I should start. Should I write a blog post? Should I apply for a writing gig? Will I ever accomplish anything?
It takes all of my mental and physical energy to make a cup of a coffee or nuke a microwave dinner. The days pass by so slowly that I want to tear my hair out.
I just can’t get myself to focus. I keep daydreaming of a better life without taking the steps towards a better life. I’m absolutely terrified to take that leap, to be smacked in the face with a reality I’m not familiar with.
But aren’t we meant to form our own realities? Despite what society wants to cram down our throats via advertising and shitty reality television shows, shouldn’t we be able to choose what lives we want?
Not these sad excuses for a life where we succumb to the harsh rules of society where you have to wear your hair a certain way, dress a certain way, speak a certain way. We live in a society that thrives off conformity and condemns individuality. Am I the only one that is bothered by this?
Conformity is not a good quality. Conformity is a threat to mankind. Conformity is a threat to each and every individual. Conformity is a threat to creativity. Conformity makes us nothing more than working machines for the system.
Who are these people to tell me how to live my life when they’re suffocating in their own misery, a fake smile plastered on their face and in their hearts? They tell me that as a woman, my worth is based off having a man and having a child. As if, I couldn’t be defined any other way.
I live in a toxic little town. A toxic little town where everyone practically knows everyone. Everyone thinks they’re the greatest thing to walk the Earth. Humble isn’t a word in their vocabulary.
They’re scathingly dressed in camo, blond ponytails, and high self-esteem despite the fact that they’ve never contributed an ounce to the world except children they don’t raise. They pray to the Holy Divine Evil Corporate of the Midwest. Those who think differently are snubbed.
I don’t want to leave the comforts of my home. It’s hard enough to leave the comforts of my bed, let alone wander outside into the chaos that is this town.
Their eyes are glued to my pajamas, because I should be in heels to go to a grocery store, to buy a pack of cigarettes. Why do we live in a society that’s focused on appearances? Why should I care what you think? How are you superior when you look and act like everyone else? You couldn’t think for yourself if free thought was crammed down your throat.
I know that I’ve been rambling. There is no moral to this story. I’m just hoping that getting these thoughts and feelings out will help me get past them. I’m currently not on medication so my own relief from the constant torment that is my bipolar disorder, is to write. So that’s what I decided to do.
If I can release these things onto paper (in this case, on a computer screen), then I can move forward. I can progress. These incessant ramblings are my own, they are what circles my mind 24/7. My brain never shuts up, shuts off. Meditation is impossible and a clear head is nonexistent.
I would like to say, this is not directed towards anybody in particular. I know there are a few people I know in real life who read my blog. These are just the ramblings in my brain recently that I thought I would share. I don’t know why it was difficult for me to post this. I have posted personal things previously and the random article, but this just feels different because these are my actual rambling thoughts that occur often. Even when I’m not having a hypomania episode, my brain is running circles.
I’m still ruminating on the mass shooting article. I have research, but I just don’t know what spin I want to take yet, so if anyone has an ideas or comments, please share! You guys are awesome, always!