Incessant Ramblings and My Thoughts on Conformity

There’s always been this fear of failure that’s hung over me most of my life. Or has it been a fear of success? The only thing I’m sure of is that something is holding me back.

It paralyzes me. A bowling ball is dropped on my chest and the room starts to shrink. It makes it difficult to breathe and difficult to sleep. My dreams have turned into scary renditions of every awful decision I’ve ever made.

My heart aches. This is different than my manic depression where I fly into fits of rage followed by crying until there’s no possibility of any more tears escaping. This is so much different.

I can hardly motivate myself to roll out of my bed. I sit on my bed, legs crossed, eyes glued to my laptop screen, simultaneously watching Netflix with a blank page in front of me wondering where I should start. Should I write a blog post? Should I apply for a writing gig? Will I ever accomplish anything?

It takes all of my mental and physical energy to make a cup of a coffee or nuke a microwave dinner. The days pass by so slowly that I want to tear my hair out.

I just can’t get myself to focus. I keep daydreaming of a better life without taking the steps towards a better life. I’m absolutely terrified to take that leap, to be smacked in the face with a reality I’m not familiar with.

But aren’t we meant to form our own realities? Despite what society wants to cram down our throats via advertising and shitty reality television shows, shouldn’t we be able to choose what lives we want?

Not these sad excuses for a life where we succumb to the harsh rules of society where you have to wear your hair a certain way, dress a certain way, speak a certain way. We live in a society that thrives off conformity and condemns individuality. Am I the only one that is bothered by this?

Conformity is not a good quality. Conformity is a threat to mankind. Conformity is a threat to each and every individual. Conformity is a threat to creativity. Conformity makes us nothing more than working machines for the system.

Who are these people to tell me how to live my life when they’re suffocating in their own misery, a fake smile plastered on their face and in their hearts? They tell me that as a woman, my worth is based off having a man and having a child. As if, I couldn’t be defined any other way.

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I live in a toxic little town. A toxic little town where everyone practically knows everyone. Everyone thinks they’re the greatest thing to walk the Earth. Humble isn’t a word in their vocabulary.

They’re scathingly dressed in camo, blond ponytails, and high self-esteem despite the fact that they’ve never contributed an ounce to the world except children they don’t raise. They pray to the Holy Divine Evil Corporate of the Midwest. Those who think differently are snubbed.

I don’t want to leave the comforts of my home. It’s hard enough to leave the comforts of my bed, let alone wander outside into the chaos that is this town.

Their eyes are glued to my pajamas, because I should be in heels to go to a grocery store, to buy a pack of cigarettes. Why do we live in a society that’s focused on appearances? Why should I care what you think? How are you superior when you look and act like everyone else? You couldn’t think for yourself if free thought was crammed down your throat.

I know that I’ve been rambling. There is no moral to this story. I’m just hoping that getting these thoughts and feelings out will help me get past them. I’m currently not on medication so my own relief from the constant torment that is my bipolar disorder, is to write. So that’s what I decided to do.

If I can release these things onto paper (in this case, on a computer screen), then I can move forward. I can progress. These incessant ramblings are my own, they are what circles my mind 24/7. My brain never shuts up, shuts off. Meditation is impossible and a clear head is nonexistent.

 

I would like to say, this is not directed towards anybody in particular. I know there are a few people I know in real life who read my blog. These are just the ramblings in my brain recently that I thought I would share. I don’t know why it was difficult for me to post this. I have posted personal things previously and the random article, but this just feels different because these are my actual rambling thoughts that occur often. Even when I’m not having a hypomania episode, my brain is running circles.

I’m still ruminating on the mass shooting article. I have research, but I just don’t know what spin I want to take yet, so if anyone has an ideas or comments, please share! You guys are awesome, always!

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34 thoughts on “Incessant Ramblings and My Thoughts on Conformity”

  1. Thanks for “rambling” heehee or sharing. I think no matter what, it’s always healthier to express your thoughts and emotions!

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  2. Yes! I think it helps me because otherwise I feel insane & stressed. I feel more clear headed when I write about it & I think it’s recently been blocking my creativity. Have you posted anything recently? I haven’t gotten notifications!

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  3. Girl ramble away. It is true those who conform think their opinion matters. it doesn’t. That’s a sad life. Be you, be different and do what feels right. Those people exist everywhere … yuckie

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  4. I think it’s probably amplified in a small town, but social expectations of conformity are disappointingly widespread. The world is so much more interesting when there’s variety in it. And some rambling to go along with 😉

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  5. I am glad you shared your feelings and you should always feel completely comfortable with doing so. Social expectations can be so off setting. I live in a huge city, but I will go out to the grocery store wearing my comfy clothes that most would only wear at home. Knowing that some are probably judging, I just think to myself, if you do not like what I am wearing, just don’t look!!
    I wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for an award as well!! I tagged you on the post, but I might have done it wrong!!!

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      1. You are welcome lovely lady! That is the best attitude to have, if someone does not like what you wearing, that is their issue not yours. You are not forcing anyone to look!!! I went to 3 stores today wearing my comfy clothes, my hair a mess and make up not all that great, but I did not care on bit!!

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      2. I am always in pjs unless I’m going out to eat! Between fibro & fatigue, it’s too much most days plus on bad pain days, jeans (which I use to love) & certain textures truly make the pain worse. It’s like wearing an extra 10 lbs. Plus, I’ve gained so much weight because of sobriety, half my clothes don’t fit. But, hey, I look good in pjs!

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      3. I know it is a struggle dealing with fibro and fatigue. I hate you have to deal with that. PJS are the best thing to wear!!! I use to love getting dressed up for work, but now it takes too much effort and it is SO uncomfortable!! I am sure I have read about it, but my memory is HORRIBLE, sobriety?

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      4. That is great Casey being sober from meth for 3 years! You should be really proud of yourself! I know there has been a lot of meth going around for a while now. I have only dealt with people battling addictions and luckily have not had addictions. My mother was a bad alcoholic and did lots of drugs when I was younger and now I am trying really hard to help my husband through his addiction. I am so incredibly happy for you and your sobriety!!!!

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  6. Casey, I have walked in these shoes time and time again, and I feel you rising up out of your despair, refusing silence. This a beautifully brave and honest post! It didn’t feel like a ramble, but part of a journey. Thank you for sharing!

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  7. Girl you WRITE YOUR HEART out because that is what why you’re here. So do so, unapologetically! I can so heavily relate to you on so many levels… and for this reason, I won’t sit here on some high horse telling you to be strong because there’s some fucking light at the end of some tunnel. I’m not saying there’s NOT a light or tunnel.. but I’m saying sometimes, maybe we just need to let ourselves FEEL all of the things that need to be felt and say all of the things that need to be said. Never be silent and never be afaid to FEEL. We’re human. This is part of LIVING and I applaud you for being real and fearless in your pursuit of your life.

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  8. Absolutely magnificent, Case! And absolutely true; this is exactly the kind of cathartic, and brilliant, writing that can leave the burden of the blank page behind. I adore this post! ❤️

    Sometimes we have something profound to say about the world. Sometimes it is just about ourselves. Sometimes we make an astute connection between intrinsic beseeching and extrinsic forces and something larger than either occur. That is what you did here! 👏👏👏

    As for the shooting, there are a lot of ways to approach it. My recommendation? Approach it from your heart. Write it like Casey. But write it; write it now and talk about it daily. We need this conversation RIGHT NOW, while the people of this country are dazed, angry, cooperative. While the so-called leaders have no choice but to talk about it. While it is fresh and powerful and the iron, as they say, is hot. Strike. We need to solve our gun problem, we need a better approach to gun control, and every voice that is heard lends support to the change.

    Thank you for writing this, Casey! So beautiful!!

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    1. Thank you, Tom! So, as someone who doesn’t honestly know much about guns, I found out what truly makes the AR-15 the worst, besides rounds. Wound ballistics. I read a blog post about it, so I looked up a Youtube video of a man shooting pig heads with a 9mm, another gun, & an AR-15. The bullet doesn’t escape, it pretty much implodes. This leads to killing nerves, making it almost always fatal. Why does someone need a gun like this for self defense?! If the government were to come after us, why do people think them, with one gun, would be able to defeat several soldiers with even worse weapons or drones that can blow up houses? If the government wanted to take guns, they would have already. I just don’t understand people.

      They fear so much that all their guns will be taken. What they don’t realize is, that if they don’t compromise, they will be eventually by an extremist. Ugh, these are the things that I can’t stop thinking about.

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      1. You nailed it, girl! I was not in favor of bans as a solution to this crises, because I see that other countries have solved it without such bans. But I did some ballistic research myself this last week and … I may be changing my mind. The destruction we can heap upon one another with a weapon such as this … it is unnecessary.

        We have bigger problems. There are reasons that people, in America, become disenfranchised at such an alarming rate. We need to be better to our people. But until we can solve the underlying causes of these massacres — and who knows if we ever can — we need to take the steps necessary to limit the damage. That means gun control laws. Let’s have the courage and resolve to follow this through, America. Finally.

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      2. Agreed. We’ll never fully stop it but we can curb it. & all I hear is, “gun control won’t fix the problem!” Yet, they have no other solutions or things to try. Except arming teachers which is nut for numerous reasons. Including that we pay them crap & they have to buy their own supplies. Or the fact they go their to teach, they aren’t security guards.

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      3. I keep hearing “why take guns from responsible owners because of others?” No, no, no. Very few want all guns gone. Just gun control & certain, unnecessary guns. It was inspiring watching a video the other day of a man cutting his AR-15 in half. He didn’t trust selling & after Parkland, didn’t want it.

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  9. There is absolutely nothing wrong with rambling. I ramble in my posts all the time, it’s just that I often disguise my self-therapy with (hopefully) clever bits that make it seem I am more organized than I really am. As I’ve mentioned before, I have anxiety issues, sometimes very severe, so I understand the hesitation as you stare at the blank screen. But what works for me and what has helped me is to simply put something out there every day, even if I post an older story or recycle some crap from five years ago. This is not a cure for everyone, and it’s harder for the folks who don’t have an extensive backlog of posts like I do (I’ve been blogging since the Mayflower hit Plymouth Rock). But if you stay at it, and you ramble with honesty, each post becomes easier and easier and suddenly you have an extensive body of work and you have learned your voice and style.

    Now, you may not appreciate me intruding like this, but what I’m trying to say is that you have produced some very good work. Trust in that. You can do it. And if you put a clunker out there and the tumbleweeds blow, screw it. Every piece you release has a chance to be the exact one that gets you closer to your goals. Write more, worry less, have faith in yourself. Of course, when you win the Pulitzer Prize, you damn well better thank me in your acceptance speech. Just kidding. Cheers.

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  10. You’re so not alone in feeling this way… My brain has a rough time functioning when it comes to the simplest
    of task around the house, my life in general. I’ve started taking naps to avoid life at times… My naps last for over 3-4 hours at a clip.
    You are not a mess, anyone with mental illness shares the ranks of feeling the way you do. Unfortunately. 😦

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  11. Your thoughts on conformity reminded me of the quote, “If everyone’s thinking alike, then nobody’s thinking.” I believe that’s true (wait, do I sound hypocritical by expressing agreement to that? haha). But truly, if we want progress, we need dissent because that’s what sparks discourse hopefully towards the best solutions.

    I hope you don’t feel like you need to explain or justify writing your thoughts out here, even though you feel like it’s just rambling. If it helps you, just keep writing! 🙂

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    1. Hey, sometimes its good to agree! I love that quote because it makes perfect sense! I know people who strive to agree with everything they’re told & strive to be like everyone else. It just doesn’t make sense to me whatsoever.

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      1. I guess the fear of rejection and desire to fit in got drilled in those people pretty hard! I remember I too had that phase, when I was an adolescent, which might be expected for that life stage. But ideally as we mature I think we need to outgrow that tendency to become more of who we really are instead of just being “puppets” or in your words, “working machines for the system.”

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