One of my biggest inner struggles with bipolar disorder is fighting the urge to blame myself for every outside conflict with others.
How the hell am I suppose to know whether my angry outburst was valid or if I was overreacting because my brain is at war? It stems from the overused phrases used all my life from those who love to gaslight me.
“Are you on your medication?”
“You’re always wrong, you’re always overreacting because you’re bipolar.”
I’m not entitled to emotions. I’m not allowed to be upset. I’m not allowed to express myself. If it differs from what you expect of me, of your horrible beliefs. Right?
It’s easy to use my mental illness as a scapegoat for your racist behavior, for your hateful comments, and for the unprecedented rumors you whisper about me to make yourself feel better about your own failings.
Do you feel guilty?
You’ve given me your hand when I’ve struggled but that doesn’t fix how you made me feel when you left me to deteriorate at such a young age. Or when you called me fat.
When I was digging at my face and not sleeping for a week, you looked the other way. When I would cry myself to sleep, you’d tell me to go for a walk. While I hid away, you chastised me for being an outsider.
I might be to blame this time around but with all this hurt I’ve pushed down through the years, I think this break is the best decision you’ve ever made for me. If you’re not around, you can’t hurt me anymore.
I won’t let this inner turmoil plague me anymore, giving me corrupt dreams for the last year. I won’t let this fear and doubt you have in me keep me from accomplishing my dreams.
I’d rather be a struggling artist than be like you.
So I’m going to take a deep breath, I’m going to keep my head held high, and I’m going to move on with my blues.
This empty feeling has been holding me back from everything good I can have in life, the life I deserve to have.
You will find yourself doubting your truth and blaming yourself for the actions and unwise words of others. You’re going to fight your heart on a daily basis.
But if you’re in your truth, spread your wings. Release yourself from the trauma inside and know you’re not to blame.
Keep on keeping on.
I have a new post on my other blog, Casey Elizabeth Freelancing. It’s an informational article about the basics of ADHD, Debunking the ADHD Myth. That blog doesn’t get a lot of love because it’s still new so I’d love if you checked it out!