The Feeling of Flying

I’m feeling level and I feel my depression lifting. I’m full of hope and wonder for the future. I’m flying in the clouds but I’m not floating through space on a manic ride.

I am free from the trapping of my mind. I’m free from the heavy burden of my depression, the tears and fears that haunt me in the dark, the sudden upheaval of my emotions into bad decisions, the manically racing thoughts, and the uncontrolled hyper moods.

For now, because we all know how bipolar disorder works.

I’ve been trapped in my bed for a year now, hurting physically and mentally. I’ve been afraid of my energy being zapped by others so I’ve isolated myself and pushed my friends away.

I have a psychiatrist and a therapist now. Apparently I not only have bipolar 2 but ADD as well. In retrospect, it makes sense. Besides hypomania, being hyper was never an issue but distraction and attention were an issue.

When I was a kid, I’d have a pile of books I’d be reading at the same time. Switching it up after a chapter. I’d be secretly reading or writing in class. I received good grades but only because of what I’d absorb through assignments and my own reading. But straight studying? Never. I just couldn’t focus.

When I try to write, I can’t focus. I have to be doing several things at once. It slows me down and weighs me down.

With my psychiatrist, I made sure he knew about my past addiction to meth. I know what they use for ADD. I believe I could handle and take amphetamines responsibly at this point in my life, after 3 years. However, I told him I’d prefer not to.

He mentioned Strattera but my insurance doesn’t cover it. So, I’m on generic Wellbutrin. It’s usually used for depression or as an aide to anti-depressants but it’s also helped some with ADD/ADHD. I’ve been on it less than a week. I have my fingers crossed it helps. If I want my writing career to go anywhere, I need the focus.

I’m also on a low dose of Citalopram since most of my episodes but we’re trying to avoid mania. Then I usually stop my meds which makes my emotions fly everywhere. I’m on Gabapentin for nerve pain which he upped the dosage cus guess what? It’s also known to help regulate mood disorders. It’s working immensely.

I have a difficult time knowing I’m going through my moods. So I go to Ricky to understand how well I’m doing. He’s noticed a difference.

I had my very first EVER therapy appointment today. I was anxious (though I’m always anxious) and just terrified in general. But it went very well.

I talked about my family. She made a diagram and took some notes. We talked a bit about my childhood. Before I knew it, my hour was up.

Lastly, I came out as bisexual. That’s all that’s going on in my life at the moment.

Missing all of my blogger buddies!

9 thoughts on “The Feeling of Flying”

  1. My son’s on Straterra. They came out with a generic just last year, so that may work if you do decide to try it. I understand it can have depressive side effects in older people, though, so there’s that. :/

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  2. So good to hear the depression is lifting, and the word “hope” is pleasant to see! I think your description of your ADD indicates I may suffer at least partially from the same. I’m always reading multiple books, I could never focus on assignments, and I’m always doing a hundred things at once. “Focus” is my biggest lack. Interesting stuff! And kudos, kid!

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    1. You never know! I had no idea what I was going through it cus I was never hyper like my friends with ADD. But it can take form differently in everyone. I just assumed it was a big character flaw. But thank you mucho for the support!

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