The Big Words: Childhood Trauma

Validation. Awareness. Relief. Freeing.

When my therapist used the words childhood trauma while we were discussing my life growing up, all these strong validating emotions flood over me. The word trauma. That frightening word.

I didn’t go through foster homes. I wasn’t physically or sexually abused. So, I minimized my trauma from growing up in an erratic, unstable home.

My childhood was filled with screaming and barely living paycheck to paycheck. People were in and out at all hours of the night while I grew up alone, in my bedroom. Left with books, writing, music, and my imagination.

I wasn’t comfortable saying trauma because it was drilled into my head that my childhood wasn’t that bad. That it shouldn’t affect my life as an adult.

So, memories would overwhelm me and I questioned my self worth because my parents chose to put meth first. I tried meth the first time simply because I wanted to know what was worth my parents ruining their lives for years.

I was told that it wasn’t an excuse. Which it isn’t, entirely. However, trauma and bipolar disorder (which I can’t control) sure doesn’t make navigating through adulthood the same as your average human being.

Trauma breaks your heart. It gnaws at your bones. It suffocates your thinking. It chokes your entire being.

I’ve never gotten the chance to heal from this trauma.

It turned into fierce anger and slit wrists as a teenager. It turned to nights drenched in sadness and suicidal tendencies in my early 20s. By mid-20s, I was self medicating with drugs to numb it all.

I’m the big 3-0 now. I’m tired of battling with my own mind. I’m tired of hurting.

This is my first time in therapy. This is the first time I’ve demanded proper care. Even after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, every doctor has thrown only anti-depressants and sent me on my way.

But now, I have an amazing psychiatrist and an amazing therapist.

My biggest goal that I set in therapy is to be able to forgive my parents so I can heal. I can’t bring the words to spill from my mouth because my heart still aches. But I wanna fix that.

Examining these emotions and my past has made me feel raw. But despite being raw, I can still heal, right?

I don’t do resolutions. Instead, this is my goal.

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15 thoughts on “The Big Words: Childhood Trauma”

  1. That’s a very worthy goal, coming to terms with a traumatic past is hard but with the right support it’s achievable, just keep working at therapy and you’ll get there.
    Take care, Karen x

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  2. You don’t necessarily need to forgive. Sometimes just coming to understand and finding your own safe means of interacting is good enough. Forgive – or don’t forgive and find something else – as fits your health in your time.

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    1. I think I’m ready to forgive them but I know I’m not ready to forgive those who weren’t under the influence but turned their backs on me. I’m finding it harder to forgive those because they knew what was hapening, had the means to help me, but didn’t. For some reason, that stings more. But I love your thoughts & you’re right. We don’t have to forgive anyone.

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      1. Yeah, I wrote a post a month or so about how I’m dealing with (or I guess not yet dealing with) the knowledge that someone could know what was happening to me and choose not to intervene. I don’t really plan to forgive. I’m not that generous, I guess, unless the person apologizes directly. I know they never will, so, well, I won’t grant forgiveness that wasn’t asked for. But, yeah, I really struggle with how to even fathom someone knowing what was going on and doing nothing. I feel you. It sucks.

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  3. Yess, I’m glad you get it! My parents were under the influence but what’s the others excuses?! Mine won’t ever apologize, they don’t believe they’ve done wrong. But they sure have the ability to judge me for my life choices & my mental illness. Hugs.<3

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