Validation. Awareness. Relief. Freeing.
When my therapist used the words childhood trauma while we were discussing my life growing up, all these strong validating emotions flood over me. The word trauma. That frightening word.
I didn’t go through foster homes. I wasn’t physically or sexually abused. So, I minimized my trauma from growing up in an erratic, unstable home.
My childhood was filled with screaming and barely living paycheck to paycheck. People were in and out at all hours of the night while I grew up alone, in my bedroom. Left with books, writing, music, and my imagination.
I wasn’t comfortable saying trauma because it was drilled into my head that my childhood wasn’t that bad. That it shouldn’t affect my life as an adult.
So, memories would overwhelm me and I questioned my self worth because my parents chose to put meth first. I tried meth the first time simply because I wanted to know what was worth my parents ruining their lives for years.
I was told that it wasn’t an excuse. Which it isn’t, entirely. However, trauma and bipolar disorder (which I can’t control) sure doesn’t make navigating through adulthood the same as your average human being.
Trauma breaks your heart. It gnaws at your bones. It suffocates your thinking. It chokes your entire being.
I’ve never gotten the chance to heal from this trauma.
It turned into fierce anger and slit wrists as a teenager. It turned to nights drenched in sadness and suicidal tendencies in my early 20s. By mid-20s, I was self medicating with drugs to numb it all.
I’m the big 3-0 now. I’m tired of battling with my own mind. I’m tired of hurting.
This is my first time in therapy. This is the first time I’ve demanded proper care. Even after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, every doctor has thrown only anti-depressants and sent me on my way.
But now, I have an amazing psychiatrist and an amazing therapist.
My biggest goal that I set in therapy is to be able to forgive my parents so I can heal. I can’t bring the words to spill from my mouth because my heart still aches. But I wanna fix that.
Examining these emotions and my past has made me feel raw. But despite being raw, I can still heal, right?
I don’t do resolutions. Instead, this is my goal.