It’s week 6 for Beckie at Beckie’s Mental Mess mental health prompts! Go check out her blog if you haven’t and join in to help further advocate the seriousness of mental health and mental illness.
There are so many varieties of depression out there, such as Bipolar Depression and (SAD) Seasonal Affective Disorder. What type of depression do you suffer from, or have?
I have Bipolar Depression and PTSD Depression. They both like to peek their heads out in different ways.
When I have Bipolar Depression, I don’t always realize it at first. I find myself hiding away, in the comfort of my bed. I don’t take care of myself and could care less about showering and brushing my teeth. I only leave the house for work or if I need my nicotine.
When I’m in the middle of a Bipolar Depression, I feel weak and numb. I disassociate through movies and television. I feel this inner bleakness. Colors are dulled and I don’t get pleasure out of the things I normally do.
My PTSD Depression hits me when I’ve been triggered. If something reminds me of my childhood, it starts with rage and anger. I react without thinking.
Once the rage ends, the despair washes over me. I break down crying. My chest aches and my heart aches. It feels like this pain inside won’t’ ever stop. I hear all the horrible things said to me, including things I’ve said to myself.
I feel worthless. This is when I use to self-harm. It was the only thing that would momentarily take the rest of the pain away. It made me feel real when I felt like the world around me was fake, including me.
What do you do to fight your depression? (Meaning: therapy, medications, meditation, ECT)
I go to therapy to help with my PTSD triggers. We’re starting EMDR therapy this upcoming week.
I’m also on Citalopram and Wellbutrin (which I’m also prescribed for my ADD). I’ve been on and off anti-depressants since I was 13. Citalopram has always worked best but since Wellbutrin was added to the mix, it’s been even better.
My Bipolar Depression rarely rears its’ ugly head and when it does, it’s manageable.
Speaking of, I can feel the Bipolar Depression creeping up on me again these past few weeks.
Does anything help you, and if so… what?
Writing is my everything. Writing helps me release all my pent up depressed emotions. I can get all the nasty feelings out on paper or I can distract myself by writing about something else entirely.
Music is also a big helper. It’s my second everything. When everything feels like too much, I put on my headphones and crank up my punk rock.
When I feel depression coming before it hits me too hard (like right now), I try to distract myself. I keep busy with writing jobs and applying, applying, applying. I spend more time with my boyfriend and cuddle with my furbabies.