Standing Still

We all have this side to us that we can’t see because we’re too close to it. It’s always something profound someone on the outside shows us. A piece of you that you don’t understand and you’ve attempted to push down, deep into the parts of your brain that you’ve forgotten about. Only, your attempt has failed and someone has seen your monster from outside the situation.

This is where I bring myself back to my childhood trauma and one my last posts, The Big Words: Childhood Trauma.

I’ve been standing still for too fucking long.

This is my first time seeing a therapist and I’ve been seeing her since December. She’s not far from my age, in fact she’s only 2 years older. I think that’s what makes it so easy to talk to her. I was terrified to go to therapy. And I lucked out on my first therapist.

We’ve spent the past few months talking about my childhood, my drug use, my family, my emotionally abusive ex, and even my present. I’ve broken down in tears. All these years, I’ve been internalizing all my emotions so they would torture me with their toxicity in my mind and my heart.

So, I have mood swings that have no cause (bipolar disorder) and triggered mood swings. These triggered mood swings have the same attributes caused by PTSD and trauma. I’ve battling with this since puberty. These behaviors of mine click when she explains why she thinks I have trauma. It was just something I couldn’t see myself. I protect the child in me that I couldn’t protect when I was younger.

She makes sure I’m active in my mental health care and she thinks EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) would help me immensely. So I did some research on it (I’ll go into more detail in another post on my EMDR sessions) and I’m excited.

I’m ready to heal. There’s been generation after generation of hurt in my families. I’m ready to get better. I’ve stopped listening to the jibberish spouted by ignorance on mental health.

That I should toughen up, that I should just smile, that I should think positive, that going to a doctor won’t help me. I’ve let others’ opinions on my mental health determine what course I should take.

We’ve also discussed my toxic shame, a shame so deep that I’ve always held on to. A shame that helped fuel my love of drugs and being high.

I’m also in physical therapy for my back and knee pain. My knees have a major tilt which is what causes them to dislocate. It’s just the way my body grew.

My knees also have arthritis. All the tendons and ligaments are torn in my left knee and apparently I have a torn meniscus in that same knee. My physical therapist pointed that last one out.

My pain clinic has me on muscle relaxers and I’m getting trigger point injections in my lower back.

My days have been filled with appointments and small writing jobs. Or sleeping because I’m always tired.

The Wellbutrin was helping me keep awake and focused throughout the day. I was diagnosed Wellbutrin since I didn’t want to be on the usual ADHD meds. Once I stopped taking Vitamin D, it’s still helping me focus. It’s just not helping my fatigue anymore.

I’ve also lost 8 pounds. Very slowly but nonetheless 8 pounds. Just tons more to go.

I’m also a writer over at Bolde now. We write about dating and life as a millennial woman. These are just fun little stories and opinions we get to tell. It’s a laid back site and I love it.

This is just an update. I’ve missed you all. And I will be sharing my experiences with EMDR in case any of you have thought of trying it out.

That’s why I share the hardest parts of myself, despite some scrutiny I’ve received on my blog. I write to help me but to help others too. At least, I hope my blog helps someone out there struggling too.